First off get well EDDIE! as i sat down to go over my 5yos blends with her, I noticed how happy she was that she had a nice well lit area to do her work in. How much she paid attention and how quick she responded to the lavish praises i gave when she began to read simple words like "the" "car" and "bug"...this filled my heart with so much joy, i just had to pause, then I went into my 10yos room, which i had just recently transformed from the guest room to hers. SHe was still overjoyed about her own private space and was knee deep into giving me all of her progress reports to date!! SIGH... I look at them and wonder where would they be without me? If i was not so much a part of their lives? If their mom and I had not made a promise and vow that no matter what, they came first..gee was it really that simple? Is it just a matter of parents saying "our kids mental, emotional and spiritual success depends on us making them a priority" I truly believe it doesnt hurt. Yet it takes TWO!! even in a good marriage or relationship where kids are involved, both parents need to be there for their children. Not just in or at the house! You need to be involved in their lives. Now the reality is that for some reason, we let our egos, our emotions, and our guilt get in the way of doing the right damn thing. "I would come over to see my kids more if I didnt have to see you" what does seeing your ex have to do with it? Take them out of the equation al together - it is not FREAKING ABOUT YOU or THEM it is about the CHILDREN! PERIOD!
Where are the Black Dads?
Now then, I hear it from mothers raising sons, and moms raising daughters, "If only their dad wasnt such an ASS" Well let's examine that. What makes him such an ass? is he absent? Maybe incarcerated or just not around? Was he abusive towards you and it's truly best that he is not around for your health and safety as well as theirs. Or is he absent because of something you are doing to keep him away? YOu dont like his new Gf or wife - -you got issues with his family - - he aint working and just wants to come over so he can get with you, so you rather he not!!.. These are just a few of the things that women have to deal with, when we discuss the absent black father (not exclusive of white or hispanic men). Yet it doesnt answer the mail totally now does it? Over the last 40 years or so, our society has went through a drastic change in the family dynamic. 40 years ago (1968) the divorce rate was rising but it was no where near 50% as it is now! Single parent homes were brought about more by death, a war, or jail, rather than by litigation. Single parents were predominantly heterosexual ..hmmmm man has that changed! ..So as the world around us changed we see the emergence of men in their 30s and 40s raised mostly by a woman (very few by men, men having sole custody of their children through litigation is a recent occurence) with little to no interaction with their Biological fathers. Some of these men had a possible step father in their lives but most of them didnt. These blackmen were never really taught how to treat, love or appreciate a woman because they never had the example in practice on a daily. Now they did however have a mom (hopefully) she showed compassion and disciplined them accordingly, but by and large this generation of men grew into adulthood not sure of their emotions, not aware of their feelings and certainly not competent with intimacy. These things are what boys and girls see from their parents. I will admit that handling emotions is always difficult at best for young men, but just multiply that with the fact the parents just went through a divorce. The stress and subdued emotions in these kids is overwhelming! So where are the dads?? Our society has made it easy for a man (especially a black man) to just get by with the minimum (if that). Most divorced fathers if you ask them how are they supporting their children, would jump up with "Im handling mines, i pay child support" DUDE thats a start but children don't care about that, they care about you being there for the kindergarten graduation, they care that you show up on friday night to pick them up NOT DRUNK, they care about being able to call you whenever they feel like, they care about the TIME YOU SPEND WITH THEM, thats how they measure support and how much you care. Simple huh? yet dads will not provide the monetary support, they will not provide the emotional support, oh but they will walk their kid to the school bus! WTF!! We as fathers need to look to the left and to the right and then MAN THE HELL UP! This generation of men of dysfunction, has little to no clue in how to deal with their own self esteem issues let alone the needs of children.I dont know how it came to this, men so stuck on themselves that they cannot accept the responsibility of being a part of a childs life. This society has a generation of men incapable of compassion and afraid of intimacy mostly because the model for this (mom and dad together )was absent in their homes!! The first love of a little girl is her dad. If he is absent she will know love through her mom , but the love and attention of a man will be absent and she will seek it all the time BELIEVE THIS..The first love of a little boy is his mom, she will teach him compassion, and unconditional love, yet without the model of a husband and father to rely on, he will learn by mis-steps how not to treat a woman, he will not know how to lead a household, he will never truly understand how to support his partner - - - I just dont know, but I hear it everyday!.. Ladies, going through this.. community dealing with this.. let me share this with all of you ....
This was so on point! thank you for blogging it. I am a single mom, my son is 19 and we just found out a baby is on the way. Well a little background is in order. My son's father chose his job and everything else over his son. When he remarried and had a little girl (his preference was girls) my son got to the point that he didn't want to visit, mainly because of his stepmom. Well his father was never a man of his word and although I encouraged him to call his dad and to be polite to his stepmom, it was years before he would really initiate the time spent. My son still has a rocky relationship with his dad, basically because his dad does not give my son respect. My son used to give his dad the respect, but finally stood up to him and told him that if you can't give me respect, then why should I give it back. Well if you're thinking that I talked negative of his dad while he was growing up - not so - that was something he had to learn for himself, I wasn't gonna shove it down his throat. And I fault women for doing that! Don't pass on that bitterness to your child - ever! But I will say that he learned a lot from me. I believe that he knows how to treat a woman and he even says that he did by watching the scenarios I have been through and seeing what not to do. He is wise beyond his years about a lot of things and a lot of his friends look to him for answers. This may not be the ideal time in his life to become a dad, but I believe with all my heart that he will be a great one! To me there is nothing more sexy than a man with his babies and watching the interraction and the love shared. More than anything else - and there is plenty - that makes you a very sexy man, James!
so true. i lived this. i know this too deep. i'll just say, some ppl are selfish and think of themselves. my parents weren't on the same page, thus the break of my family. i grew up without my father, thus, i had a very conflicting type of image of the black man, and felt abandonment on a level that only those who walk my same path due to this happening. my father didn't pay child support, causing my mom to work outside the home and of course, she had 3 mouths to feed. My father never had anything to do with my upbringing, my birthdays, nothing. My mom never prevented the man from being apart of our lives, he just didn't add to it. For a long time I was bitter, but I got over it. as I got older i realized that him leaving had to do with him personally but not me as the child. Unfortunately I see a lot of this repeated in many communities I've taught poetry to. A lot of my kids are from single parent homes headed by women. This is not to say there aren't black men who do step up to the plate. Because my experiences were so deep, I always sought men who did have some type of relationship with their children. The first question I ask is "how's your relationship with the child, the mother?" I look at this first. to me it's a very important aspect that should never be over looked. I'm digging your blog. Please continue to teach the masses. We all need these type of conversations so healing and growth can occur.
@ladybug -- thank u kindly.. blush...contrary to popular belief, i had no clue how to be a dad when my firstborn arrived. All i knew is what i picked up from my father and grand pa. I just regret not being more or trying to be more of an influence in my oldest daughters life. the wasted years really hurt, but i learned my lesson and the younger ones, have gotten the best of what kind of father james can be.. hmmmnow to work on the husband skills lol
@Mocha..i hear you loud and clear!1 Thank you ever so much for the kind words! Some men do get it! hell some women get it too, but so many DONT! and that takes so much away from those that do..
well my youngest son is 10 and his father isn't in his life but that is by court order, no child support, no nothing. his father was into drugs and then developed mental problems and went from mental hospital's then eventually prison...he never was a big part of his life he was too busy chasing other women, when we finally did get divorced due to his behavior the judge ordered that he has no access or rights to his son, (it has been a long road) my new husband has stepped in and has been a wonderful father figure to Benjamin. we have a ways to go before things are where they are suppose to be but were getting there...Thanks for the blog as always I love reading them they always make me think about things and are always stimulating....keep up the good work we need more men like you...
I watched this program J...it was excellent! As for dealing with broken homes and fatherless children. I see it so much and hear it so much from so many...I also see motherless children too...for the same reasons. We have become such a "me" oriented society we forget we made a CHOICE. A choice to bring this little person into this world...this little angel that God gave us..we CHOSE to bring here. Now, that being said when you make that choice, you are also choosing to make sure that that litlle person, that blank slate is covered and filled with all the good things necessary to make it grow strong, proud, happy, respectful, and beautiful. So why aren't you? Why are you whining about not being there and just be there? Why are you seeking comfort from those around you because your ex-man won't be a part of his child's life...are you making that easty? As you said J...once you have kids...it's no longer about YOU...it's about THEM!!! Until they are grown and able to live on their own...it's all about THEM! There is nothing more important than their welfare...don't spoil them..nurture them...teach them love them. Put all your blame, shame and childish game aside and remember they need to know both parents. It's critical to their complete growth. Let that man be a father if he wants to be a father, if he can be. And let that woman be a mother to her kids, if she can be. Yes we all go through things and may not be perfect, but get through them, then come back...BETTER not WORSE. Don't come back to disrupt, come back to enhance. I could go on for days on this. I see so many dysfunctional families out there who are getting in their own way just to prove a point to someone they no longer care about, but you know what YOUR KIDS DO!!! I am fortunate. I have a great ex. He is the father of my son and for that I will always love him, but I'm not in love with him. So...he and my son have a fantastic relationship. Always have, always will and that is how it should be. It's not about us...it's about our SON! I never understood how people forget that when they break it off with someone. Using their children like pawns of forgetting them altogether. Lawd..I need to stop. Great bloggy Papi! Besos!
i got here following Anna's link...i cant say much about my boys father. i dont diss him in front of them cuz they see him in person being a deadbeat and not visiting with them. so why do i have to reinforce it.
my babygirl's dad is doing a great job and is in her life as much as he wants. he knows he can get her any time, but he knows he only has to ask me in a nice way. shoot, i even pick up his other child and drive them both over to his place if he asks nicely (and gives me gas $ and toll) LOL!
This is an awesome blog. And not just about children and being a parent. Also about the repercussion of not having basic emotional needs met and why society is the way it is today. As always, You never cease to amaze me. I saw something on a billboard once that read: "Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy and Daddy; Eventually kids quit believing in things they do not see!" Much Luv and Respect, Wendi
