Well hello to you all! I am really up against it today!! Crunching to get reports out; catching up on the corporate emails that have swamped the inbox!! yet I have time to bring you all up to date on lil ol me!.. This blog is in part due to Eddie Blue Eyes, and my dear friend Ms Betty!
first things first, i am terrible at keeping in touch during the holidays, cause it never seems to fail that some kind of upheaval befalls me and I get consumed with it's eradication, so much so that i lose all contact with those outside of my immediate circle. :( sad yes I truly know it, and have made great progress in addressing the situation yet I still have a ways to go! ok now to the bloggy...
numba 1 - The holidays have always been a source of great joy and misery for me :( yet over the past 5 years I have come through them better and better. Even this year with all of the work and the issues facing not only my company but my personal finances as well, i still seemed to pull it together!! My mom tried her best to lay a serious guilt trip on me for not coming down to see her (we have been down there 5 straight years) and i actually felt the manipulative and controlling nature of her presence start to creep in and consume me.. but i fought it off and did not fall for IT!! Done with that for the rest of my life i suppose!! Yet it underscores this dynamic i find omnipresent in my relationships with people. For some strange reason folks believe that they can put demands, ultimatums, and judgments on me and that I will succumb to this pressure based on my laid back demeanor. Maybe before, but not now in my prime.. not now and not ever again!
numba two - Ego-matching!! DAMN Eddie really got me to thinking on this one. And if you dont have a clue, just ck out his blog from yesterday : http://translucence.multiply.com/journal/item/209 ok so after reading this, i really got to thinking about what it is I am ready for in a relationship. I mean I dont need the ego stroked from a woman, the praise, adoration, and the superficial hype of it all- - I get that...but i get all i need from two ladies under 4ft tall, so these things are good for my ego and my selfish needs of the flesh, yet when a person is truly seeking a bit more substance, then they actually need to let people in to the other levels they try so hard to conceal from the knowing world. I have serious trust issues, so I tend not to get too "deep" in casual relationships. Yeah I know that sexin women will lead to mis-communications, and broken hearts, but I do tend to go out of my damn way to make it very clear of my non-availability...yet I still find that i miss that certain part of a relationship, and want that once again. It's the who or whom that always seems to keep me at odds in beginning to trust in those depths!.. I know a few women that I have chosen to trust to that degree (one is in the next part of this bloggy) but that "emotional" investment came with time, and certain long nights talking over the issues that we all fall victim to. Who knows how i get past the ego-match, and move closer to what is truly substance and well worth the loving!.. hmmm i guess i am still wanting that PERFECT thing for me, yet i am so so not perfect myself.. in the end I suppose that what works best for Just James is a woman whom i can look into her eyes gives me a warm feeling, a loving smile, and a sense that Im ok and that everything is going to be just fine. hmmmmm indeed!
NUMBA 3- - ok i have been very quiet lately about Ms Betty, since we (her friends and family) have been going back and forth , calls, emails , late night 3-way sessions, quick meetings (which require me to drop erry damn thing and bolt up the turnpike), all of this because of someones EGO -MATCH Obsession!! It appears that my Ms Betty has not only gotten a fiance but she upped and married this DUDE to boot!!... ok here is the skinny.. mr man, made it so that ms betty was a way from her friends and family for counseling (first step in a controlling relationship) - - he then made sure to tend to her every need and piled up the adoration all over her. He followed that up with the obligatory I LOVES YOU and asked her for her hand in marriage (second step in a controlling relationship - immediate "I cant live without you") well to the average on-looker this seems not too bad, well throw in the following: 1 - Ms Betty, just went through HELL from late October to Thanksgiving, battling gastro problems which lead to the discovery of tumors on her pancreas. Yes they were cancerous!. . 2 - She suffered an infection after the surgery, and barely made it off of the IV! 3 - Was never really told of the serious nature of the cancer, but was counseled on the treatment going forward. 4 - Chemo is to start on Jan 8th 5 - No doctors had approved her to travel, she has only been out of the hospital for a month! 6 - She knows dude from back in the day, but just recently got back in touch with him 7 - She was just MADLY in LOVE with my cousin in Colorado. This was just August!! 8 - She was and is deeply depressed, has always wanted to be married, always wanted kids. None of which were happening especially after the uterine cancer, and dont get me wrong, I love her to death but she is almost IMPOSSIBLE to LIVE with..LAWD!! She would drive you to drink after 48hours LMAO !.. BUT SHE IS A DEAR! 9 - Ol boy has never left his small town in florida, has 3 boys, and it will be Ms Betty's job to stay home and help raise them!! 10 - Ms betty has been around the world and continues to be a well traveled independent woman..uuuhh til she met ol boy!
oK THAT is the nitty gritty of this. We are at our wits end, since she has moved and is in florida and no one can talk her into coming back for her treatment! She married this dude, and now believes that her cancer can be cured with just walking!! Ok i have been lifting her up in prayers since late September for one reason or another, but I cant believe that this is what the prayers of so many have spawned!.. is she just trying to satisfy her EGO with the stroking this control freak is doing? Is this her death wish to be his domestic goddess for the remainder of her life? what do we as her friends and family do to convince her to come back for the treatment she needs? I have been at my wits end over this, and it has consumed most of my free thinking moments, the calls, the emails, the tears the prayers.. it just has gotten to a point where I am about to let it go!!
so people, if I have seemed distant, not responsive, un communicative, well guess what? now you know why!
to lose a friend hurts mortally and emotionally but to watch them give up on their chance for better health and just move towards death, is more than i can bare to watch un-fold!
Well, sounds like Ms. Betty has been very busy. I was kicking myself yesterday for not asking you about her.
Baby, you know as well as I do sometimes when it's too hard to watch you have to close your eyes. I'm not saying this is easy, nor am I saying this is the right answer...but let go and let God. You have faith in Ms. Betty, she's a smart, spunky lady. She'll see it for what it's worth. I truly believe that.
Now, as far as your absence? Blahblahblah...you take care of YOU. Holidays, work, children, stress, need I go on? It's funny any of us are half sane. lol. I got you, J. You know this.
Wow, I started to read this this morning (it had my name on it! LOL), but I had a slew of meetings and now I came back and read it in full.
there's a lot here, and I never give advice. One thing I do know that in a dysfunctional, controlling relationship, there's a dance happening. It's a dangerous dance, to be sure, but a dance nonetheless. In the end, what I know is that I can't change, nor save anyone. All I can do is embody my message in the way I live my life.
It's a difficult realization for me, especially when I see loved ones suffer needlessly. But it's a truth.
I wish you the best, my friend.
Oh! and your moms and mine went to the same school, I think! LOL
thanks eddie, an update to this that i posted on my 360 is not too damn good either. Had multiple calls today ..she is back in the hospital. Her new husband finally took her in after she had complained of blood in her urine.. his whole philosphy is WALK IT OFF as if!! Her doctors in NYC are having a fit about this and are in touch with the medical staff in florida.. This sucks in so many ways!
Numba 1 - All I can say is I'm just glad the holidays are done and over with......
Numba 2 - I'm gonna say this and you can shoot me if you want, but this is how it goes......based solely on what I know about you.....so there may be alot I'm missing...and don't get this twisted in thinking I'm passing judgement either. I don't think you will find the "perfect" one for you until you realize that it's okay for you to share the love you have for your girls with someone else, that it does not take away from the father you are or the love that you have for them. The gurls may be able to fill your life, but they cannot fill it all, we all need an adult connection with that one that gets us on that level.
Numba 3 - Sorry to hear about Ms Betty.....and the guy does sound like he's up to no good. All I can say to defend Ms Betty is this.....if you thought you were going to die, and you hadn't fullfilled these things you so badly wanted in life, wouldn't you jump at the chance, even if it may not be completely what you wanted but was close enough because you thought you may not have that time to find all that you wanted? If it were me....I would.... All you can do is pray for her, continue to be the good friend that you are, and be ready to lend your ear or a hug the second she needs it...it will come with time, she has to realize on her own the situation she's in, and until then, there's really nothing you can do.
yes there is.... she is back in the hospital and under observation. There is growing concern that more surgery maybe needed. All of this was brought on by the new guy just having to lay pipe to her the day after she got out of the hospital and everyday since!! WTF! Yeah thats how close I am to the situation Im getting the grimey details ...ewwwwwww
Now thinking more on what ms Jen has said....I am very selfish and protective of my angels. I already know that any woman that is going to be part of my life will need to be a prat of theirs as well. THe problem is so many say they dont mind not being a priority but after a minute or two that gets way too old and they have issues about moving up the ladder so to speak. Funny thing is thats the reason that they are in that position to begin with, I have already spyed some tendencies and I may not want to co-sign on them moving any higher! There were some women who wanted to have a "Brady bunch" situation on day 1 or shortly thereafter, and we were no where even close to that!. .. I truly believe that whomever she is, the assimilation into my family will be something I will not have to even think about, I will move towards her inclusion as something that should occur simply based on her being more and more a priority in my life. She passed my ego-match and is on the love-level of trust for me. Now will she and the kids get along? thats always a 50-50 type thing, all of my gurls are so much different it is a shame... but me looking before leaping has had its benefits since they have grown older and are now more receptive of the dad having a girlfriend THAT THEY KNOW ABOUT...hell they go out with me shopping now and are trying to play matchmaker.."Daddy I like her coat..or daddy she lo
Now, as far as you and a relationship...I'm gonna send you a private email and share something with you. But...I have to leave for work and I'll do it when I get home.
That's pretty much what I meant.....but some days in conversations we've had and in your writings, it comes across as you're not sure you can do both. The right woman won't mind being #2 to the gurls, it won't just be said, it will be in the actions......
