james' posts with tag: ego-match
 Well hello to you all! I am really up against it today!! Crunching to get reports out; catching up on the corporate emails that have swamped the inbox!! yet I have time to bring you all up to date on lil ol me!.. This blog is in part due to Eddie Blue Eyes, and my dear friend Ms Betty!
first things first, i am terrible at keeping in touch during the holidays, cause it never seems to fail that some kind of upheaval befalls me and I get consumed with it's eradication, so much so that i lose all contact with those outside of my immediate circle. :( sad yes I truly know it, and have made great progress in addressing the situation yet I still have a ways to go! ok now to the bloggy...
numba 1 - The holidays have always been a source of great joy and misery for me :( yet over the past 5 years I have come through them better and better. Even this year with all of the work and the issues facing not only my company but my personal finances as well, i still seemed to pull it together!! My mom tried her best to lay a serious guilt trip on me for not coming down to see her (we have been down there 5 straight years) and i actually felt the manipulative and controlling nature of her presence start to creep in and consume me.. but i fought it off and did not fall for IT!! Done with that for the rest of my life i suppose!! Yet it underscores this dynamic i find omnipresent in my relationships with people. For some strange reason folks believe that they can put demands, ultimatums, and judgments on me and that I will succumb to this pressure based on my laid back demeanor. Maybe before, but not now in my prime.. not now and not ever again!
numba two - Ego-matching!! DAMN Eddie really got me to thinking on this one. And if you dont have a clue, just ck out his blog from yesterday :
http://translucence.multiply.com/journal/item/209
ok so after reading this, i really got to thinking about what it is I am ready for in a relationship. I mean I dont need the ego stroked from a woman, the praise, adoration, and the superficial hype of it all- - I get that...but i get all i need from two ladies under 4ft tall, so these things are good for my ego and my selfish needs of the flesh, yet when a person is truly seeking a bit more substance, then they actually need to let people in to the other levels they try so hard to conceal from the knowing world. I have serious trust issues, so I tend not to get too "deep" in casual relationships. Yeah I know that sexin women will lead to mis-communications, and broken hearts, but I do tend to go out of my damn way to make it very clear of my non-availability...yet I still find that i miss that certain part of a relationship, and want that once again. It's the who or whom that always seems to keep me at odds in beginning to trust in those depths!.. I know a few women that I have chosen to trust to that degree (one is in the next part of this bloggy) but that "emotional" investment came with time, and certain long nights talking over the issues that we all fall victim to. Who knows how i get past the ego-match, and move closer to what is truly substance and well worth the loving!.. hmmm i guess i am still wanting that PERFECT thing for me, yet i am so so not perfect myself.. in the end I suppose that what works best for Just James is a woman whom i can look into her eyes gives me a warm feeling, a loving smile, and a sense that Im ok and that everything is going to be just fine. hmmmmm indeed!
NUMBA 3- - ok i have been very quiet lately about Ms Betty, since we (her friends and family) have been going back and forth , calls, emails , late night 3-way sessions, quick meetings (which require me to drop erry damn thing and bolt up the turnpike), all of this because of someones EGO -MATCH Obsession!!
It appears that my Ms Betty has not only gotten a fiance but she upped and married this DUDE to boot!!... ok here is the skinny.. mr man, made it so that ms betty was a way from her friends and family for counseling (first step in a controlling relationship) - - he then made sure to tend to her every need and piled up the adoration all over her. He followed that up with the obligatory I LOVES YOU and asked her for her hand in marriage (second step in a controlling relationship - immediate "I cant live without you") well to the average on-looker this seems not too bad, well throw in the following:
1 - Ms Betty, just went through HELL from late October to Thanksgiving, battling gastro problems which lead to the discovery of tumors on her pancreas. Yes they were cancerous!. .
2 - She suffered an infection after the surgery, and barely made it off of the IV!
3 - Was never really told of the serious nature of the cancer, but was counseled on the treatment going forward.
4 - Chemo is to start on Jan 8th
5 - No doctors had approved her to travel, she has only been out of the hospital for a month!
6 - She knows dude from back in the day, but just recently got back in touch with him
7 - She was just MADLY in LOVE with my cousin in Colorado. This was just August!!
8 - She was and is deeply depressed, has always wanted to be married, always wanted kids. None of which were happening especially after the uterine cancer, and dont get me wrong, I love her to death but she is almost IMPOSSIBLE to LIVE with..LAWD!! She would drive you to drink after 48hours LMAO !.. BUT SHE IS A DEAR!
9 - Ol boy has never left his small town in florida, has 3 boys, and it will be Ms Betty's job to stay home and help raise them!!
10 - Ms betty has been around the world and continues to be a well traveled independent woman..uuuhh til she met ol boy!
oK THAT is the nitty gritty of this. We are at our wits end, since she has moved and is in florida and no one can talk her into coming back for her treatment! She married this dude, and now believes that her cancer can be cured with just walking!!
Ok i have been lifting her up in prayers since late September for one reason or another, but I cant believe that this is what the prayers of so many have spawned!.. is she just trying to satisfy her EGO with the stroking this control freak is doing? Is this her death wish to be his domestic goddess for the remainder of her life?
what do we as her friends and family do to convince her to come back for the treatment she needs? I have been at my wits end over this, and it has consumed most of my free thinking moments, the calls, the emails, the tears the prayers.. it just has gotten to a point where I am about to let it go!!
so people, if I have seemed distant, not responsive, un communicative, well guess what?
now you know why!
to lose a friend hurts mortally and emotionally but to watch them give up on their chance for better health and just move towards death, is more than i can bare to watch un-fold!
peace to you all!
JJ
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